Okay guess I should start at the beginning. When I was a little girl I was raised Catholic and as a happy past time I use to line up any stuffed animals or dolls I could find and play teacher. I had a some books from church and I would play that I was a teacher/nun and read to my little friends prayers and such. When I went to confession I usually had nothing to confess and then this one year we had missed going to church one Sunday. I was excited to tell the priest in the confessional booth that my family missed church. (Stupid I know, but honestly I thought he must think I'm lying cuz I really never had anything to confess!) Anyway I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone. There was a long line of old ladies and men that I knew well in line behind me. When it was my turn I went in the booth and told the priest that my family had not gone to church one Sunday. Well to my surprise he was very very angry! He told me that I and my entire family had committed a mortal sin and that meant hell and fire. He kept me in there for about 25 minutes yelling at me. When I walked out everyone was looking at me strangely wondering what in the world I had done. I then had to go say a long list of prayers and all the while I thought OMG I'm going to burn in hell and if I say these prayers what about my family. I know this sounds stupid, I was very naive and came from a strict family that was taught very strictly to respect all adults especially teachers/priests etc. It never occurred to me that an adult would not know the truth or tell a lie. Nevertheless this made a huge impact on me and much later I turned away from the church. Not by the way am I saying that it’s bad, I had many wonderful experiences! Just had an ignorant priest and I was a naive young girl. Well this started my fear. Anyway I use to say the "Our Father" and "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer every night to myself. I use to pray to bless everyone and everything. But then I started seeing horrible things on my windows every night. The more I prayed, the more I saw these things. I of course kept this all to myself and learned not to pray. But I didn’t understand why God was letting this happen.
Okay let’s speed it up to when I had my two children. Every night I would lay between them, read them each their favorite story, and would stay there with them until they fell asleep. I had been having some stomach difficulties and had been to the doctor and after checking out ok he suggested I learn to relax and suggested meditation. Well I bought a book, and wasn’t very good at it. I then just would lay there and thank God for my beautiful kids and think of all the things I was grateful for. Basically just focused on love and gratitude. This worked out well cuz I would then stay awake and be able to get some housework done before I went to sleep. Anyway the first thing that happened was that one night I woke up a saw this sword pointing down at me. God I first froze and then jumped up and turned the light on and I couldn’t see it anymore. Shortly afterward I started waking up at about 3 in the morning with strong vibrations, racking through my body. I never read about any of this and didn’t know what was going on. I thought either I was having seizures or something was attacking me. This of course brought so much fear on, I honestly did not understand what was happening. The more I fought it the stronger it was...it would finally end and I was drenched in sweat. I attended a business seminar in Chicago around this time. I was sitting in the middle of about three hundred people. Well this one guy gets up and is telling a very inspirational life story. All of a sudden I get this tunnel vision to him and everything else around me goes black. I start feeling this strong electric current going up my back. I felt if it got to my head that my head was going to explode and I felt like I was about to do something really weird! I started singing the abc's in my head to get it to stop and it finally did! Between this and the nightly vibrations I was freaking out. Finally I just knew that my nightly focusing on love had something to do with it. Oh and one night my family was gone and I heard this very loud music getting closer and closer to me. It sounded like hells army was coming to get me. I froze. Then I thought, it’s ok the good guys will stop it. Well no one came and right before it was on me, I fled to my bedroom terrified and turned the TV on blasting and all the lights. So needless to say I stopped the nightly focusing of love and gratitude. I didn’t understand why this was happening. It was many years later on an obe group that I told this story and lucky for me Chrism suggested this site.
Okay so I lurked a year or so and things became clear to me. I thought I was over my fear. Ha. Anyway I started my practice again now knowing that it was my fear that made these things worse. Well back in November if you remember I started having headaches and saw this thing on my head. But instead of just allowing (you think I would learn by now) I freaked out. I thought this was something that I had attracted and needed to get away from me. That it was a bad thing and I needed protection. So I started the salt baths, sesame oils, prayers of protection. But alas while these things did give immediate relief the activity just kept getting worse. I started seeing things that I really would prefer not to. Lots of stuff that I thought I needed to get out of my house and away from me and my family. I see things with my eyes open. More and more, feel things too. You name it and I've tried it, smudging etc etc etc. The last three months I've only slept a couple hrs each morning after sunrise. I thought I could handle this on my own and didn’t want to bother Chrism or bring any negativity to this forum. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about this. My husband doesn’t understand why I am up all night with an icepack on my head. I have had difficulty not breaking out in tears in front of my family. They go to hug me and I pull away for fear that what’s with me will jump onto them. Finally after realizing I needed help, I called Chrism a few weeks ago. We tried a few things and then last week he suggested I just stop my practice and stay in loving detachment. WOW what a difference a week has meant.
Things are now sooooo much better. I have slept the last two days for almost 8 hours. While I still see things the feeling of things has dropped a lot! I now realize that what I've seen and felt is not bad, it just IS. Chrism explained it to me like this; look at myself as a flower and a flower needs a bee to pollinate. What I've seen and felt is probably helping me and I've been resisting so much that all my fears intensified. You know if I never would have seen these things I would probably just go "oh its Kundalini" But my vision and feeling and some hearing all at once has been something that probably would not have happened to the degree it has if I would just stay in the loving detached state and back off the practice.
Now I see things and just am like whatever. The feeling has lightened up a lot too! Yeah! I tell you this story so that if some of your physic centers open before the k is strong in you, don't freak out like me. Just stay in loving detachment. If you do so I believe things will go about much easier. At least that is my perspective. And just because something looks scary, it is not necessarily bad or something that you have to keep away. I now think that I am actually being helped, and my resistance has made it bad. What you resist persists.
I do still have a lot of head pain, which I use ice packs for and that really really helps. I also use saltwater rinses for nose and mouth which really really helps. I am having a lot of Head work done right now. I know this will not last forever and honestly if it wasn’t for Chrism I don't know what I would have done. I feel so stupid for not contacting him sooner. I no longer do the salt baths or smudging or all that stuff. Whatever happens happens and I try to just be. Also getting out with friends and laughing and different fun stuff has helped me ground myself. I know I am still in my journey but again in one week of changing my perspective and stopping the practice what a difference. I know Shakti is working on me. I can't control it, talk about a lesson in surrender!
Again please do not fear this will happen to you. Fear is not the way to go! Even with the hundreds of people going k, only a few of us lucky ones (HA) get this. And again I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure you can see how I made things much worse. Remember before I freaked out by seeing things and started feeling the need to protect myself, the only problem I had was a bit of a headache. Nothing life stopping. I feel I could have avoided all the unpleasantries. I'm not saying my centers would not have opened, but if I would have stayed detached it would not have gotten so bad. Oh and I would suggest as Chrism says not to blow in the last two chakras. No need to open the centers before you are ready.
The other thing I should mention is sometimes when things were bad I would envision myself in a waterfall standing in a strong current. Things would halt. If I didn’t live in Chicago, I would have gone to Lake Michigan and tried that. Lucky for me I had Chrism’s guidance and I'm already a lot better. Anyway there’s a little taste of my walk through the twilight zone. Dark Things crawl and fly around me, but now I look at them as a ladybug going on their way. I glance and go happily about my business. I didn’t understand why God was abandoning me and wouldn’t help me. I see now that all is part of God and it’s been my judgement of what is good and bad that has caused me my problems. It just IS, is now my perspective. And really everyone, I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for Chrism. I mean I surely would not have got it together without him. We are all so lucky for his guidance and I am eternally grateful. If you understood where I was just a little while ago, and how just knowing that he was going to help me and the inner strength he gave me to get through this, you would be amazed at the level of concern, love and compassion. Why oh why didn’t I call him earlier!?! Well so much for my stubbornness!
So from your friend who’s taken a walk on the wild side... Love to you all, and remember should you ever need it...loving detachment / judgement free - for the only thing to fear is fear.
Oh and obviously you all already know this...you might wanna remind me from time to time! ha
Lots of Love to all of you Deb
I see now that all is part of God and it’s been my judgement of what is good and bad that has caused me my problems. It just IS, is now my perspective.